I hate it when my facial hair reaches the point of ‘suspicious pedophile’. It really damages my delicate sensibilities when people riding on a full bus will elect to stand up rather than sit next to me. Mind you, given the caliber of freaks who choke the public transport systems, it’s probably for the best anyway.
You see, I haven’t really had much of a chance to shave. I know that sounds like a silly statement, but it’s true. I have to choose a time to shave that will allow my skin sufficient time to recover from pernicious bleeding before interacting with other people. And you see, I had a fairly busy (read: drunk) weekend, so I didn’t have a chance to do it then.
I therefore decided to shave tonight. Standard procedure, really; Have shower to soften facial hair, stand completely naked in front of sink, perform ass-clenching exercises for 5 minutes, apply shaving cream (to face) and proceed to shave with appropriate implement. As mentioned above, I bleed quite a bit when I shave. Nothing unusual there. The trouble arises when I’m finished shaving and I have to cauterise the open wounds.
I, as most gentlemen I know, use a moderately priced aftershave to accomplish this (Calvin Klein Obsession, now $38.95 for 75mL. Take advantage of the savings!). I do the same dance every time. I splash my face with this pleasant smelling caustic acid, go temporarily blind from the searing pain and then carry on with my day. Not tonight though. Sweet mother of penis, it was painful tonight. I don’t understand why. I think perhaps my skin was extra sensitive because I hadn’t shaved in over a week. Whatever the case, I seriously considered asking someone to kick me in the balls to take my mind off the pain. It was just that painful.
Crotch-grabbingly painful.
On a somewhat related note, I invented a new expletive phrase tonight. As I was cursing the various Gods during my painful facial torture, I uttered the words ‘ass-troubling thunderfuck’. Please feel free to use this at your discretion.
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