I can name at least 3 people who have taken a shit in their lifetime.
.....And I bet you any money it smells like death!
I enjoy taking dump and you should too. It's probably one of the highlights of my day. It's very relaxing rewarding, it's like getting a massage or a haircut from a hot busty asian. However there are a few hazards involved with this pleasure that can ruin my day.
1. The runny shit/pellets - You can feel it brewing up into your stomach. You know it's going to be a massacre but you just can't hide from it. This one shoots out so fast and loud that you're left with a connundrum whether you should use toilet paper to mask the sound or let it splash.
2. The unwipeable- I always regret this one. It always seems to happen to me when I've got something important to do. I was at work in the loo once where my boss kept calling me over the P.A. I would have packed up my shit (no pun intended) and left the bathroom if it wasn't my bowels fighting against me. I just kept wiping and wiping, the texture seemed to get thicker and wetter, it was fucked! You can't explain this hazard too. When I told the boss I was in the bathroom, she said: 'go sooner next time'. Little that she knows I was in there for 15 minutes! Be careful with this one!
3. The traveller- This is the one where when you're finished laying some cable, the stains end up in other areas around your asshole. Sometimes it'll travel as far as your buttcheeks. It's uncanny and surreal that no one was ever able to explain. Until now:
My theory (Using crude drawings)
(Note: The view is looking up from inside the toilet bowl. It might take a few minutes to understand what's happening in each picture)
The toilet bowl is designed for comfort as well as stability.
When you first sit on the seat, the bowl rims on either side help spread your ass cheeks apart. This is to ensure that the feces doesn't stain your asshole or cheeks during the duration of the dump.
But sometimes you will shift. This creates a butterfly paint picture effect (pictured) Where your ass cheeks come together and smudge feces from different points on your cheeks.
Sometimes when wiping you might help push/transport the feces to different areas, so you need to be careful with your wiping.
It's an art, it's hard to master.
So when you're in the bathroom again, enjoy it while it lasts. Because you never know when these hazards will hit you.
2 comments:
Well.....there goes Jessica Alba. That was a very poignant article, Sam. It breaks my mind to think that you're single.
I also commend your use of diagrams. They make it so much easier to follow, and so much more amusing. Especially the last one. Brilliant.
In closing, I'd like to reflect on the lack of comments that you and I have been receiving on our blogs. Perhaps everyone else should be barred from the site until they agree to comment on every blog at least once.
Hehe, The only reason I didn't reply to this award winning piece of literature is because he left me simply speechless. No words could describe the look on my face when reading it. Perhaps next time I'll turn my webcam on and record what happens, because frankly, I think that's the only way I can show how horrified I was.
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